Your stomach lurches and you blood pressure shoots up. You know your child can do this stuff.

Maybe you say, “You did the same sort of thing just a few days ago, remember?” or “You’re smart. You don’t need my help,” or “It’s simple - just do XYZ and here’s the answer, right?”

I said all those things and… my kids kept complaining. They kept being “busy” when it was time for school. They kept working super-slowly, except when they rushed through and made a bunch of mistakes. Here is something to try instead:

Show me what you’ve figured out so far.

Again. Slowly. Calmly. “Show me what you’ve figured out so far.”

I sat down next to my child. I really looked at her. I looked at her screen (it was online math). At a glance, I didn’t understand the task, but I could see that there were instructions, several blank spaces, and several spaces that were filled in with numbers and symbols. I waited without speaking.

“I haven’t done ANY! I don’t know how!” she wailed.

“Oh, honey,” I said in the gentlest tone I could manage through my gritted teeth, “That’s fine! If you knew it already, it wouldn’t be called ‘learning.’ We would just call it ‘doing.’ I’m wondering which parts you HAVE figured out.”

Silence.

“For example, I see instructions up here. What did the instructions say?”

“I didn’t read them,” she muttered.

“If I wanted to do this problem, I’d probably start there. Shall we listen to the audio together or do you want to read the instructions to me?”

Over the next few minutes, I asked about every strategy I could imagine.

“Is there a video or a sample problem? I think it might be helpful to watch that.”

“Have you done another problem like this? I would look for ideas by comparing the two problems.”

“Would you expect a number, a letter, or a symbol here? Or here? It is ok to guess a number and just see what happens.”

“How about a piece of paper so you can draw a picture?”

I didn’t need to know the math. I didn’t provide answers. We had lots of practice exploring strategies, because we repeated this conversation twelve (12!) times across multiple subject areas. Sometimes she was confidently, gloriously triumphant. Sometimes she made a haphazard guess.

And finally, one day I heard, “Mama! I don’t - oh, wait, I’ll read the instructions first.” A long pause. “Never mind. I got it.”

Let’s be honest: learning is rewarding. Our brains are built to learn, and built to enjoy the process. It can be thrilling! But learning can also be frustrating, scary, confusing, boring, and embarrassing.

That is a long list of unhappy feelings.

When you homeschool your child - that is, when you pay close attention to the learning process itself - you ask them to reveal that frustration, fear, confusion, boredom, and embarrassment. Your kid, meanwhile, wants to show you cleverness, humor, and cool-as-a-cucumber capability. Your child wants you to be proud of how “smart” they are.

Y’all have really different emotional goals. No wonder they want to swerve away from anything that feels “hard.”

Fortunately, you know your child well, and you are the best person to teach them how to handle those difficult feelings. Along the way, you’ll recognize when a plea for help is actually a request for reassurance, an expression of anxiety or frustration, or plain old loneliness. Maybe a snack solves the problem!

Best of all, your kid learns they can rise to a challenge and, at the same time, be loved for who they are right now. That’s something we all want for our children.

Even though habits lead to automatic action, establishing a habit is a conscious decision that takes some effort. Very clever people have written entire books about the science of habit formation, and I’m not going to give a comprehensive overview of the subject. We’re here to talk about homeschooling! Instead, here are my top four research-based tools for creating a schooling habit.

1. Go micro. Choose a small, predictable set of tasks that you are sure your child (and you!) can do every day. Remember, this is not about academic challenge. We will deal with that in Part 3 of the series. Habit formation is about creating a routine that feels necessary. Like the day would be incomplete without it.

2. Connect schooling with something that already happens every day. In my family, we eat. Eating a meal together makes a great anchor: “right after we eat breakfast, we will practice cursive.” After taking nap, after walking the dog, after getting dressed - find something that your family automatically does every day and add schooling to that routine.

3. If you have to skip one day, don’t skip two. Life happens. Give yourself grace and pick up the next day. Having trouble starting up again? Go back to #1 and make the schooling tasks smaller! When you are establishing a habit, it is more valuable to do a small chunk every day than a large chunk irregularly. Remember, it’s not about how much math they learn during this phase: it is about learning to show up with a positive attitude, ready to follow instructions.

4. Don’t give up too soon. Have you heard that it takes 21 days to create a habit? The research shows that it actually takes 3 to 5 months on average. What?! Months? Yep. It is still totally worthwhile.

And a bonus tool, drawn from my own experience starting formal, parent-led schooling when my kids were 9 and 7 years old:

Keep your cool. You can’t make kids eat, sleep, or poop, and you can’t make them learn. They certainly aren’t going to want to cooperate if schooling brings out your anxiety, frustration, or anger. Consider attaching a reward to calm completion of school tasks, at least temporarily. You can phase out the reward once the habit is in place.

Tap the Subscribe button to receive my upcoming posts on How to Praise and Fit/Format/Timing, and give me a call for a free 30-minute discussion of your unique situation!

My child literally runs away from me when it is time to do school.

My kids keep saying they don’t understand. Sometimes I end up doing half the problems myself because I’m trying to show them over and over.

Resistance. Reluctance. Outright refusal. Whatever form it takes, it happens to all of us. Even families who have been homeschooling for years have times when everyone is off-kilter and complaints or whining pepper the air.

It seems so simple. “Just do the work!” we want to say. Maybe you have even said exactly those words, in a frustrated tone. Meanwhile, your mind swirls with questions: Is she hungry or tired? We just started a new section - maybe it’s really too hard for him? So-and-so’s kids do homeschooling cheerfully and promptly - why don’t mine?

First of all, nobody is cheerful and prompt 100% of the time, so your friend is lying to you.

Secondly, you can start solving the problem without having a complete understanding of the root cause of your child’s reluctance.

Imagine homeschooling as a 3-legged stool. As long as the stool actually has all three legs, you can probably sit on it. In other words, your homeschooling efforts will bear positive fruit, generally speaking: homeschooling will “work” for your family. If one of the legs is shorter or weaker than the others, however, the stool will be uncomfortable or impossible to sit upon. Homeschooling “won’t work.”

In the next few posts, I’ll go in-depth on each of the following three fundamentals of successful homeschooling.

Leg 1: Habit. Focus on creating a solid habit of schooling before throwing academic challenge into the mix. And as with other habits, re-evaluate frequently to make sure you are happy with the overall trajectory and direction.

Leg 2: Parental responses. Your child is not in control of how quickly his brain makes connections or how firmly her memory hangs on to information, so watch your words. Praise effort, practice, and perseverance. Acknowledge that it is uncomfortable to be confused or wrong about something. Tell - and show - your child that learning can be difficult but is always rewarding and worthwhile.

Leg 3: Fit, format, and timing of the work. Choose activities and curricula that suit your child. Many people consider this set of decisions to be the most important part of homeschooling, and spend a lot of time and energy researching which programs to use. But remember, we have a stool, not a pedestal. Curriculum selection is neither more nor less important than the other legs.

Tap the Subscribe button to receive my in-depth post on the Habit of Schooling when it drops! In the meantime, give me a call for a free 30-minute discussion of your unique situation.

Good news - you don’t have to do everything perfectly to have a successful homeschooling experience! Use the following four guidelines for a strong beginning.

• Fit the curriculum to your family and child. Choose hands-on projects for a kid who is always moving around, and story-based plans for your bookworm. An open-and-go curriculum is convenient, but you might want more flexibility. Independent learner or “sitting at the table” together? Start with the topic or skill that is most relevant to you and/or your child, then look for ways to “do school” that fit with your vision of integrating learning and family life.

• Align with age. Child-led play is the first - and most powerful - way we learn. Limit adult-led formal “school activities” to half an hour per grade level per day and do them at a time when your child is alert and engaged.

• Make it a habit. Just like buckling your seat belt, brushing your teeth, or clearing the dinner dishes, homeschooling is most effective when done regularly and predictably. It’s usually better to do a small amount every day than to tackle large projects once in a while. Your child will learn more - and complain less - in the long run.

• Evaluate frequently and experiment with improvements. When you are just starting out with homeschooling, evaluate every month, or at least every quarter. One of my graduate school professors said, “Teaching is like driving someone to the airport. Doesn’t do much good if the learner got out of the car halfway there.” It may be tempting to lay out plans for a whole year, but “set it and forget it” is for rotisseries and Crock pots. Be willing to make a change if schooling isn’t going the way you want.

Good luck on your homeschooling adventures!

And call me anytime to share your story, ask questions, or get additional guidance tailored to your situation.

“I don’t know anything about science. How do I explain it to my child?”

“My child complains so much when I try to do school. We both end up grumpy for hours.”

“I have several kids. There just isn’t enough time in the day for me to teach them all.”

Do any of these comments feel familiar? All of these parents thought homeschooling meant they had to be their child’s main academic educator - the person actually teaching reading, math, science, etc.

The good news is homeschooling today means managing your child’s education. As a homeschooling parent or caregiver, you are the person making decisions about what, when, where, and how your child learns. You also get to decide who the educators are.

Does your child have a sports coach or music teacher? You are already making educational decisions: what and who. The coach or teacher decides how. You’ve both agreed on when and where.

Has your child attended full-time school? You decided where. The educators at the school decided what, when, how, and who.

Are you considering a once-a-week program or co-op? You are choosing what, when, where, and who. The educators/parent leaders are in charge of the how.

There are many resources available, both online and in-person. You can put together an educational path that will fit your child and your family. Need at hand sorting through the options? Let’s talk.

If I’m not able to pick up the phone, please leave a message telling me when is a good time to reach you.

When you are ready to dive into the details, go ahead and schedule a one-hour consultation. In this more formal discussion, we will systematically walk through your homeschooling vision.

For example, new homeschoolers will want to start by addressing the what, when, where, and how of the subjects and skills that are important to your family. Experienced homeschoolers might be in trouble-shooting mode, or looking for ways to help their children take more responsibility for their learning.

You’ll finish the consultation with a plan and a short list of your next steps. Also, change can be hard - I will help you be ready to talk to family and friends (including your children) about the educational decisions you are making.

A one-hour session online is $100. I use Google Meet (you’ll receive a link by email) so we can see and hear each other. Click the orange button below to access my booking site.

Want to meet in person? That is the same $100, plus $0.70 per mile round-trip from Dale (phone or text me to confirm the total cost). I’m happy to advise on your learning space at home, or to hold our session at another location that is convenient for you.

Maybe we can’t cover it all in one hour? Multi-session package pricing available as well - contact me.

Schedule with Kate